Divorce is not pleasant for anyone. There is marital property to divide, houses to sell or split, and visitation with children to arrange. If the husband and wife are angry with one another, as people going through a divorce often are, the urge to take out their feelings on each other through the court process can become overwhelming. This is a bad idea, because the children will catch the fallout; the attorneys will become frustrated; and worst of all, the judge will become annoyed. Family law judges are very skilled at their jobs, and when there are children involved, they often do not care about your divorce as much as they do about the best interests of the children. To keep things civil, and spare everyone a lot of pain, keep these things in mind:
- The children are what matters. The legal phrase is "the best interests of the children." That's all that matters at this point. Houses can be sold, bills can be paid off. But you only get one chance with your kids. So keep that firmly in mind when going into your divorce. Leave your ego and animosity towards your spouse at the door.
- "Little pitchers have big ears." Children repeat what they hear. They also say things that will please their parents. So if Daddy says mommy is a bitch, or Mommy says she wishes daddy was dead, not only will the kids bring that home, they will say it back to the parents to get rewards. NEVER disparage the other parent, or allow the child to do so. However,
- Don't deny their feelings. If the child is angry at the other parent, or you, as children may well be during the depths of the divorce, they have to be able to express that anger. So if your child says "I hate daddy," the proper response is not "No you don't," it should be "why do you feel that way?"
- Keep your new significant other out of it. Children should not be allowed to call your new boyfriend "daddy" or your new girlfriend "mommy". And your new significant other should not be allowed to encourage it. (The term in Florida is "paramour", which is delightfully medieval) Mommy and Daddy's child rearing, homework, discipline, and bedtimes are all in play, not the paramour's. And likewise,
- Stay away from their significant other. You should not be driving past your soon-to-be-ex's home to check up on him/her, following the paramour home, watching from across the street while the paramour picks up the kids or goes to the grocery store.
- All concerns should be relayed through your attorney. If you have hired an attorney, they might as well earn their retainer. If you believe your soon-to-be-ex is not doing something properly, and communications have broken down between you and that person, then call your lawyer, and have him/her/them call your spouse's attorney. That attorney can pass the message along to your spouse, and save everyone a lot of grief.
- When in front of the judge, keep your mouth shut. During a contested divorce, and especially with children, there may be hearings regarding timesharing, visitation, child support and ancillary matters like school districts. Parents have feelings about these things surpassing the most fiercely contested battles over houses and bank accounts. However, this is the time to let your attorney do the talking. Do not succumb to the need to tell the judge about your spouse's poor judgment or unsafe child care practices. Your lawyer will do that.
- Remember, the children are what matters. The parenting plan is filed and sometimes heard separately from the divorce case. Family courts prefer a 50-50 timesharing, all other things being equal; but many things may prevent that. The more civil and rational the parties can be with one another, the more likely it is that the judge will award the parties what they want.
Nobody will be happy after a divorce. But the pain to the children can be minimized if the parents remember who the adults are, and behave like grown-ups going through a painful experience, and not like spoiled brats having temper tantrums.